So I’ve been a little MIA from the interwebs lately. And so many of you have been so sweet to message me and check to make sure I’m ok. I’m so thankful for all of you!

No, I did not have a relapse with Rhabdo (thank goodness!) If you missed my experience with that condition or are wondering what the heck it even is you can read my post about it HERE.

The reason I have been MIA is because I have not been feeling great, but it’s for the most wonderful reason of all… we are expecting our first baby!!! 🙂

Y’all I can’t even describe to you what a miracle this is, but I want to try! I apologize in advance because this is a really long post. But I tried to only include the parts that seemed like milestones in our journey.

If you follow me for my painted furniture creations, I would love for you to keep reading even though this is largely unrelated to that topic. My little painting business has given me an outlet to be creative and something to throw my energy and resources into while we walked this difficult path and I’m so grateful for it.

For the past five years my husband and I have been on the unfortunate journey of infertility. It has been by far the most difficult five years of my life. I know so many women have to walk this path and unless you have been there it’s difficult to truly understand the emotional roller coaster that it is – to have such a strong desire for something that is 100% out of your control. (I learned so much over these last five years about the statistics and probabilities for even a healthy normal couple to conceive and it truly is a MIRACLE for ANY baby to be conceived and born!)

“If I could give any advice from what I have learned on my journey to someone who is going through this most difficult season, it would be to try not to compare your story to someone else’s.”

I have wanted to share our story with you even before we found out we were pregnant. Even though it’s a very vulnerable thing to share, I feel it’s important to talk about because it can be such a lonely place to walk. And it helps to hear from others that they have experienced the same things you have and that you’re NOT alone in your situation.

I will say, however, that everyone’s story is unique and different. If I could give any advice from what I have learned on my journey to someone who is going through this most difficult season, it would be to try not to compare your story to someone else’s. There have been many friends and acquaintances who have become closer friends through the sharing of unexpected similar experiences. And in a way it is very encouraging. But the temptation is real to begin projecting their story onto yours. You can start thinking and hoping so strongly that “oh, maybe WE can do that and it will work for US too!” Time and time again the things that worked for those other people failed for us and it was crushing.

Know that God has a plan for you and your family and try to trust in that. He is good. And He knows what is best for your family, even though the waiting is excruciatingly painful and frustrating.

My faith in Him and His plan for us was the ONLY thing that kept me sane and functioning during these last five years. It was a bittersweet season of growing in my faith and developing a more intimate, personal relationship with God. Because I knew that only HE could create the baby I so desired to add to our family. No matter what treatments or procedures we might try. If it was not in His plan and His timing, no treatment or procedure would be successful.

“I kept wrestling throughout this entire journey with the knowledge that if God intended for us to have a child, He could make it happen regardless of whether we did any fertility treatments.”

We were ultimately diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It’s the most frustrating diagnosis you can receive because you don’t know what to treat or where to start to try and fix it. Fix what?? Every test we had done came back normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. I got to a point where I WISHED for some test to show SOMETHING that was wrong so we could go “oh, yes, ok here’s the treatment to address THAT.” But there was nothing.

And so our doctor referred us to a fertility clinic. It was such a surreal feeling to hear the words “I’ve done all I can do, I’m sending you to a fertility clinic.” I thought this can’t be happening. A fertility clinic? Surely we don’t need to go down that road. Maybe we just need a little more time. (It had been six months, which at my age is when they suggest you see a doctor if you’ve not had success.) So… we waited. We put off going to the clinic.

I kept wrestling throughout this entire journey with the knowledge that if God intended for us to have a child, He could make it happen regardless of whether we did any fertility treatments. When the time was right it would just happen. And at the same time I also believe He created smart people who were able to develop scientific treatments to sometimes make what seems to be impossible possible. It was a constant mind battle for me between the two and trying to figure out what was right for us.

I think another six months went by and we finally decided to just go to the clinic and see what they had to say.

Having only been to this fertility clinic, I can’t say that this is how ALL fertility clinics operate, but their goal is to simply get you pregnant. They have basically two types of treatments they can offer in order to make this happen as quickly as possible – IUI (artificial insemination) and IVF (in vitro fertilization). We thought since we had an unexplained diagnosis, and we had already had so many tests done to try and figure out the issue, what else was left to try? So we decided to give IUI a shot.

This is the less invasive/intense procedure of the two. Though it still involves taking hormones and giving yourself shots. It’s a very stressful, carefully timed process. But we managed to make it through the first procedure. No luck.

We tried a second time… still no luck. And a third. The doctor had recommended three rounds and then she highly suggested (because of my age) that we move on to IVF. Round three failed and I just wasn’t ready to take that next step. She could sense my hesitation and thankfully allowed us to try another three rounds of IUI.

When rounds four and five failed, I couldn’t take any more. I needed a break. We never even went back to do the sixth round.

“It’s not a moment I’m proud of. But it was how I felt in that moment.”

I became very bitter and angry towards God. So many women around me were making pregnancy announcements. Some that were VERY hard to swallow – in situations that I felt were much less “prepared” than we were. That’s not a reflection on them, but rather a reflection on where my heart was at the time. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t allow that to happen for US too.

I remember one occasion specifically when I was working on a piece of furniture. It had to be primed which meant I needed to spray it. That day was the only day I could do it because the forecast showed rain for the next several days. And I had a deadline to meet. But the wind was blowing like CRAZY and the spray tent I use could not be contained even with the various weights I was using to hold it down. It literally went tumbling across the back yard at one point like it was a giant tumbleweed and I kind of lost it with God.

Actually, not kind of… I was yelling at Him out loud. Saying things like “Seriously?! I HAVE to get this piece sprayed TODAY! Can You not hold off the wind just long enough for me to get this done?? Is infertility not suffering enough?? Do I have to also struggle with this business??”

It is not a moment I’m proud of. But it was how I felt in that moment. And I believe that God already knows how we’re feeling anyway. So it’s not wrong to express it to Him. Although, later I felt really sorry for the way I had acted. Thankfully He is a forgiving God and I believe He forgave me for that little tantrum. 🙂

I had tried all sorts of things along with the IUI cycles to help them be successful…acupuncture, herbs, you name it, I tried it. Then I was told about a doctor who uses something called NaPro Technology. This is basically a more natural process to help couples conceive. It’s a long process, not a quick fix like the fertility clinic procedures. But in a nutshell the process attempts to identify a problem to address as opposed to virtually throwing darts to see if they will stick. You can imagine the hope I felt having been told our situation was “unexplained.”

The process works to check for hormone imbalances and to make your body do the work it was made to do as opposed to doing the work for it. We went down this road and began treating a slight hormone imbalance that was found. For almost two years we gave this process the opportunity to work. (Again we requested a longer period than is recommended with the first treatment that was offered. We did the treatment for a whole year as opposed to six months. Add to that about four months of learning how to chart our cycles and a few months of mental breaks and we were almost two years into it.)

With every treatment we really tried to squeeze the life out of the possibilities so we could say we tried everything. And all the while IVF was still on the table in the back of our minds as the absolute last resort. (We would have to go back to the fertility clinic for that, Napro Technology does not include things like IUI and IVF.)

“…I had begun to have a peace about whatever God had planned for our family.”

In January 2018, we decided to take a break after almost two years with that doctor because I just needed an emotional and mental break from the fertility calendar and charting that was involved. You’re marking something on every single day of the calendar, paying attention to your body’s symptoms and counting the days of your cycle. After a solid two years we were just done.

During this time I had begun to have a peace about whatever God had planned for our family. Even if it meant we would not have children of our own. He had blessed us with so many opportunities to pour ourselves into the lives of children around us and that was, and is not taken for granted.

In NaPro Technology, the final option on the road of treatment was an exploratory surgery for endometriosis. Endometriosis is a condition where the lining of your uterus grows outside the uterus on other organs in your body, usually in your lower abdomen. The doctor explained to us that sometimes the only way to find endometriosis is through surgery.

Sometimes women don’t experience the severe symptoms of the disease such as intense pain – I did not. Not consistently anyway. However, infertility is also a symptom of endometriosis and I definitely had that. But still, I had never had surgery before and so I kept putting it off.

I had bought a necklace that quotes Elizabeth to Mary in scripture when Mary was pregnant with Jesus. It says “blessed is she who believed He would fulfill His promise to her.” When I bought it, it was meant to be encouraging to me. But the more I thought about it, I thought “the promise of a child was not made to me the way it was made to Mary. I don’t feel that God has promised me children.”

But I know that God DOES have promises for us in His word. So I began to try to think of what promise in His word I could cling to that IS for ME.

And I landed on the promise of eternal life. John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I believe with my whole heart this is true, and have since I was young. But now it took on a new meaning for me.

He sent His only Son to die on the cross for MY sins. So that I could live for eternity with Him instead of eventually suffering the spiritual death I deserve. And it’s a free gift offered to anyone who simply believes in Him for it. He did that for me and He promises eternal life when I could NEVER deserve or earn that gift.

And so any time my thoughts started to go down the path of throwing myself a pity party or feeling like I DESERVED the chance to be a parent because of everything I felt I had done to be prepared for the opportunity – I would remind myself that God has already made the ultimate sacrifice to give me the ultimate gift and promise of eternal life through believing in His Son Jesus. And I DID NOT and COULD NEVER deserve that. And if I never receive another thing on this earth that I feel so strongly that I want, THAT gift and sacrifice and promise is ENOUGH.

“…I have no doubt that God put that peace in my heart to sustain me through this season.”

And so I found peace. I even had begun to daydream about what early retirement might look like for us without kids. And it wasn’t a half bad thing to dream about. Would I always feel like I had missed out on something great? Probably. But I was totally at peace with it. And I have no doubt that God put that peace in my heart to sustain me through this season.

Then the desire for a child returned.

I had a dream in July 2017 that we had a baby girl. It was the most real dream. And though I don’t remember details about what she looked like, I remember how I felt. How much I LOVED that baby girl. How I was surprised that I didn’t mind losing sleep at night and getting up to feed her. How my mom was here to help and how I went through the process of getting baby’s things together to prepare to be gone for an hour or so for errands while mom stayed with the baby. So real.

I didn’t want to forget that dream so as soon as I woke up I went to my favorite reading spot to write it down in a journal. I sobbed as I wrote because it was just so beautiful. I prayed to God and thanked Him for that beautiful dream and told Him that I desperately hoped that I would get to meet that baby girl in real life some day. In His time.

Fast forward to April 2018, I got rhabdomyolysis from a workout and had to be hospitalized for IV fluids for three days. We met our insurance deductible with that hospital stay. What does any financially-minded person do when they’ve met their insurance deductible well before the end of the year? Of course you think about how you can use that to your advantage and what other medical needs you might be able to take care of while it’s paid for! And so, I began to think…and the thing I still really didn’t WANT to do came to mind. The exploratory surgery.

The same hesitancies were still there. Surgery is a huge deal. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t have consistent pain so I’m not certain the surgery would even be worth it. I don’t want to do this major thing for no reason or no results. We had talked with our doctor multiple times about the possible benefits of having this surgery. Key word being POSSIBLE. He explained very bluntly that they (doctors) don’t know all the reasons that this surgery helps some women and not others. Sometimes they find nothing. Sometimes they find severe endometriosis and clean it out and it still doesn’t help a couple to conceive. Basically there were still a lot of unknowns and no guarantees.

But we began to consider it again and to pray about whether this was the next step we should take. I still wrestled with the idea that none of this was necessary. And if God truly intended for us to have a family He could just make it happen regardless of any treatment.

“… I felt convicted… God has put this opportunity in front of me to try and be healed and I was insisting that He do it another way, with NO treatment.” 

I was doing a devotional at the time and one day the scripture reference was from 2 Kings chapter 5. This tells the story of the Syrian army commander named Naaman who was suffering from leprosy. He traveled to see the prophet Elisha because he had heard that he served a God who could perform miraculous healings. In hopes of Elisha calling on his God to heal Naaman from his leprosy, Naaman and his servants traveled to find him. When they arrived Elisha didn’t even come out to meet Naaman in person. Instead he sent a messenger to meet him with the message that he should wash himself in the Jordan River seven times and he would be healed. Naaman was angry and refused to do it saying he expected Elisha himself to call on his God and miraculously heal his disease. After all weren’t the rivers where he traveled from just as good or better than the Jordan? Couldn’t he have just washed in those rivers and been healed? Naaman’s servants convinced Naaman to do the thing Elisha’s messenger had commanded him. So Naaman washed in the Jordan River and was healed of his leprosy.

I don’t believe in coincidences. And I believe that God most certainly can speak to us in our circumstances through reading His word. So I felt convicted that I was just like Naaman. God has put this opportunity in front of me to try and be healed and I was insisting that He do it another way, with NO treatment.

So we decided to move forward with the surgery. Even with the surgery scheduled, one day in my shop while I was painting I found myself daydreaming about early retirement with no kids. Still feeling peaceful and even maybe a little bit excited about that possibility. The radio was on in the background tuned to KLOVE, which I listen to often while I work. I wasn’t consciously listening because I was lost in my thoughts of early retirement life.

Let me preface this next part by saying that even though I am a woman of faith, I am one of those people who is skeptical when someone says that they audibly heard God speak to them. Simply because it has never happened to me and I just don’t understand how that would be possible. But let me tell you that on this day, God very CLEARLY spoke to me and there was NO DOUBT the message was from Him.

In the song that was playing (that I was not really listening to), suddenly I heard clear as a bell in the midst of my daydreaming “DON’T YOU GIVE UP ON THE MIRACLE.” It was so clear and so out of the blue and pulled me out of my own head in such a way that I just began sobbing. Because I heard God saying, “do not give up hope yet.” It was a command. And it pierced my heart so that all I could do was sob and answer “ok, I won’t.”

In July, my mom was there with me for the surgery and I remember being back in my room and waking up from the anesthesia. She was telling me that the doctor said they did find endometriosis and were able to clean it out. I just sobbed. She asked why I was crying. It was because FINALLY there was SOMETHING to point to. The surgery had not been for nothing. Even if it did not end up resulting in pregnancy for us, I was so thankful that at least we didn’t have yet ANOTHER test/procedure that told us we were “normal.”

“…I just got down on my knees with my snotty nose and wet face and eyes, in the same place where I had many times knelt in tears begging God for a child, and could not even find the words to show my gratitude to God for this precious gift.”

The very next month when my cycle went longer than normal I was a total basket case. I had been down the road of dashed hopes for almost every single month for the past five years. I wanted to hope the reason for the lengthened cycle was because we were pregnant, but at the same time I didn’t want to go through the heartache of that disappointment again if we weren’t.

I cannot explain to you the sheer joy and excitement and happy tears that flowed out of my heart when I saw that positive pregnancy test! At first it was so hard to believe. And then I just got down on my knees with my snotty nose and wet face and eyes, in the same place where I had many times knelt in tears begging God for a child or for Him to take away my desire, and could not even find the words to show my gratitude to God for this precious gift. I literally just knelt there and sobbed unrecognizable words to the human ear (you know like when you’re ugly crying and no one can understand what you’re saying. lol.) But He knew.

Psalm 127:3 “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.”

So what does this means for my painting business? It is on pause for now. Just pause. Not ending. The paint products I use are pretty safe, but I want to be super cautious about what I am breathing and absorbing through my skin while baby is growing and developing.

I feel certain I will be creating again hopefully soon after baby comes. I already have the itch now that I don’t feel like I’m going to be nauseous at the drop of a hat!

I do want to keep up my blog now that I’m feeling better if possible. But since I’m not painting right now I’m not sure how much painting content I would have for you.

I know most of you don’t follow me for baby and pregnancy related things, but tell me if you would be interested in those sorts of updates from time to time. Because I obviously am in the process of getting a nursery ready, trying to figure out what baby products we need, etc. I would love your tips too if you’ve had a baby recently or know someone who has! First timers here and we are taking in all the info that is out there!

If you made it this far and are still reading you seriously deserve a huge pat on the back! Thank you for taking the time to read our story. It really means a lot.

And I hope that if you are someone in the midst of an infertility journey it helps you not feel alone in some small way. I see you. And I have been there. And I’m praying for God to continue writing your story from His book and to give you peace in the midst of the waiting.